


SuperNookie

by tsukinofaerii



Category: Marvel
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi, No Fourth Wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-29
Updated: 2010-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:35:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukinofaerii/pseuds/tsukinofaerii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool once mentioned starting a Superhuman porn site, and (in typical Deadpool fashion), does so. Hillarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	SuperNookie

"Oh. My. _God_."

In his years as a hero, Peter had seen a lot of things. He'd _done_ a lot of things, some of them more memorable than others. He'd battled giant tentacle monsters from beyond the abyss, saved the world and even managed to become an Avenger.

"Oh. My. _God_."

He'd had a life full of daring and surprises. No one could say that he hadn't seen a lot of things that would leave other people trembling in their spider-booties. Not only seen them, but faced them down without so much as flinching.

"Oh. My. _God_."

Some days, Peter missed the tentacle monsters. They were less disturbing than seeing Captain America gape in horror at his computer screen. It was like a summertime blizzard: against all odds and the very nature of things. "Cap?" He tapped the legend himself on the shoulder, but only received a pained groan in reply. It was kinda scary to see Cap so upset. The man hadn't been this bad when he'd had to fight off those soul-sucking unicorns without the other Avengers, because he'd been the only one who could see them.

Curiosity might have killed the cat, but hopefully spiders were more resilient. Peter leaned over his shoulder, peering at the screen. _Supernookie?_ he wondered, gently moving Cap's hand from the mouse so he could navigate the website. _What's Cap doing looking at a porn site?_

Well, even a man who saw unicorns at age 89 could have urges.

That wasn't even the most important question that popped into Peter's head, just the first. The _most_ important question was why a pornography website was using Deadpool's logo. "Brought to you courtesy of the fourth wall," Peter read aloud. That didn't sound too ominous. Completely at random, he clicked one of the categories, noticing only after the fact that it was titled "Threesome", and then chose another link at random, simply titled "Pheromones".

Peter's spider-sense started tingling roughly three seconds too late, after the video had already loaded.

> She's lost track of Jessica's hands and she breaks away for a moment to look down, finds Jessica with her own hand buried in her slacks, shoulder moving in time to the stroking of her tongue. Carol burns to do the same but instead snakes her hand down beside Jessica's, taking control, guiding Jessica's fingers as she fucks herself, wanton and slow. ([1](http://community.livejournal.com/marvel_kink/567.html?thread=5943#t5943))

"BACK BUTTON! BACK BUTTON BACK BUTTON **BACK BUTTON**!" Peter screamed, slapping at the backspace key desperately. One of the hits was lucky, sending them back to the homepage. Peter collapsed over Cap's shoulder in relief as the reassuringly unthreatening logo appeared.

"Oh. My. _God_," Cap whimpered again.

Now they were _both_ going to be scarred for life. He patted Cap's shoulder. "I hear you, buddy."

***

Doom glared at his computer suspiciously. Deadpool had never been one of the petty fools he dealt with very often, so it was most suspicious that he would have any reason to send a man so obviously his superior as Doom an e-mail. Not just any e-mail, but what appeared to be part of a massive list of personages. Dismissively he snorted and almost, _almost_ deleted the pesky intruder into the sanctity of his inbox, but then the name of one of his fellow recipients caught his eye.

RRichards@BaxterBuilding.F4.com

If _anyone_ was sending Richards e-mail, he, Doom, _must_ investigate. Perhaps it would reveal some intrinsic weakness he could exploit at their next encounter, and thus finally prove his superiority once and for all.

The e-mail proved simple, just a link and a signature that looked like a bastardized and obscene take on a popular children's tale.([2](http://community.livejournal.com/marvel_kink/1724.html?thread=895932#t895932)) He ignored the pathetic attempt at humor and followed the link through to the website: Supernookie. It was obviously some sort of pornography website, but the insane mercenary had mailed the link to Richards for a reason.

"Hmmm..." Following his own personal inclinations, Doom clicked the item marked Dominance. The number of options that appeared in response made his eyebrows rise behind his mask, but he forged onward, choosing the very first link in the list. _Something_ within this website would be Richards' undoing. He was becoming more certain of it with every second.

> Doom released him, and Tony stood shakily on his feet. Doom regarded him coldly, and Tony got the impression he was considering whether or not to seriously maim him for his drunken ramblings. "Get down on your knees," Doom commanded, "and worship your better." ([3](http://community.livejournal.com/marvel_kink/567.html?thread=358455#t358455))

Doom watched the video through to its exquisite finale, then finally threw back his head and laughed.

The website would aide his goals very well indeed. Eagerly, he went back to the last page and selected the next link on the list.

***

"Tony? _Tony_. Are you even listening to me?"

Tony blinked and pulled his attention away from his e-mail, leaving Extremis to run through it on its own. One of the benefits of the program was that it could access his e-mail without significant concentration. Anything that bore his name, the company name, or anything to do with the Avengers were flagged automatically for download. Everything else could be safely ignored. He barely had to do more than set it up. "Of course I'm listening."

"And using the computer in your head." Pepper crossed her arms, frowning.

Denial was completely pointless, so he just shrugged. "The ability to multitask is the key to success in this industry." Another item popped up in his inbox, and he set it to download with a flicker of thought. What could Wade Wilson be sending him e-mail for?

"Then what's your answer?"

"The answer is no, they're going to have to work harder to earn a raise this year. Over fifty percent of our saleable developments have..." Webpages unfolded behind Tony's horrified eyes. He completely lost track of what he was saying as it all loaded within the blink of an eye, faster than he could possibly shut it down.

[http://www.supernookie.com/PublicSex/CapIM_AllAmericanPorno?14286](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0).... Loading...

> The camera focuses again, and the indistinct outlines turn clear. The blue and red sharpens into a man, unrecognizable except for the shield --and it'd be a tragedy that this is what the camera focuses on if it didn't give such undeniable proof of identity-- on the floor behind them. He's pressed hard against the wall and, between the camera angle and the second man pressing him there, there isn't much to be seen of him. ([4](http://community.livejournal.com/marvel_kink/567.html?thread=31799#t31799))

"Tony? TONY!"

It took a few seconds of frantic scrambling, but Tony managed to get the entire website safely closed. But those files were still cached in his head _somewhere_... Not just that one, but the one with Jen and Jan([5](http://community.livejournal.com/marvel_kink/567.html?thread=567#t567))— the younger Mrs. Parker([6](http://community.livejournal.com/marvel_kink/567.html?thread=373815#t373815))— oh _God_ there had to be dozens of himself and Steve([7](http://delicious.com/MarvelKink/Pairing%3ASteve%2FTony)) _alone_.

"Tony, are you alright?" Somehow he'd ended up on the floor. Pepper bent over him, mouth twisted in an expression of worry. "Oh my God, I thought you were having a seizure!"

"I'm fine, I just—" Tony shuddered. "I have a sudden urge to reformat my harddrive."

***

Deadpool leaned back in his desk chair and cracked his knuckles, watching the pocket-lining prompts roll in. They were pure gold, and with the server in the Caymen Islands, not even Cable would be able to get him shut down without some sort of tactical airstrike.

Which was exactly why they were located in a bomb shelter.

A particular prompt caught his eye. He skimmed it, grinned and clicked the reply link. "Hm, login's expired... That's no problem..." He cracked his knuckles one more time before setting genius to keyboard. "Username: breakswalls..."

End... _or is it?_

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the [Marvel Kink Meme](http://www.community.livejournal.com/marvelkink/). None of the quoted or mentioned works were written by myself, nor was permission asked. The works in question are linked after the quote or mention. Please click through to give the Anon Authors their love. They're awesome.


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